It Could Be Said #7 Is The Undertaker Cummings?

What can The Phenom's Career Tell Us About Boris Johnson's Former Special Adviser?

If the Irish ever stop celebrating Italy winning the Euros, they’d look at you and say, “the Brits are it”. And oh boy has it been a banner week. Our football fans trashed their own capital city and anuses in a bid to lift the Covid gloom before our jingoistic press managed to successfully bully the Government into a harebrained attempt to let erstwhile IRA terrorists off the hook for the unsolved crimes they committed during their long campaign against British rule in Northern Ireland. But in a week where Britain was such a messy bitch that even august lecturers in international relations were happily reading Michael Wolfe’s latest book, nobody could be messier or bitchier than Dominic Cummings.

For he who no longer remains at the right-hand side of British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, has used his newfound spare time to pursue a vendetta not only against his former boss but also the British media. And on Thursday, he made an attack on the New Statesman Political Editor Stephen Bush, that was bizarre even by Cummings’s standards:

And this reference to the Undertaker got me thinking. Indeed I even came up with an Undertaker meme that explained a Stephen Bush meme.

But then I realised I had gotten it wrong. Dominic Cummings wasn’t saying that The Undertaker was like Stephen Bush, he was comparing The Undertaker to himself, as one of the undead creatures who reveal the true nature of politics. And that got me thinking…what comparisons can we draw from The Undertaker’s greatest moments and Dominic Cummings’s career?

Undertaker debuts at Survivor Series 1990

Just to prove that I’m not barking up the wrong tree, let’s look at The Undertaker’s debut. He is unveiled as the rich man’s hidden weapon, where he acts as the sullen muscle for a bombastic blonde blowhard. Sound familiar?

Undertaker wins the title at Survivor Series 1991

In the same way that there are people who claimed that Dominic Cummings was the man who stopped Britain during the Euro, there are those who believe that The Undertaker overcame the power of Hulkamania. In reality, Cummings and the wider Eurosceptic movement was a bystander as Gordon Brown and Ed Balls frustrated Tony Blair. They were Ric Flair and his steel chair to Cummings’s tombstone piledriver.

Undertaker Turns Babyface On Jake Roberts in 1992

There is no record of a Dominic Cummings babyface turn.

Vs Yokozuna at Royal Rumble 1994

The legend is that in 2004 Dominic Cummings managed to stop superheavyweight John Prescott from establishing a regional assembly in Northern England through an innovative referendum campaign that highlighted the money such a legislature would cost. But the reality is that the pre-existing indirectly elected regional chamber continued to meet for many years afterwards. That’s right, just like the Undertaker at Royal Rumble 1994, his superheavyweight foe had used ever dirty trick in the book to rob Cummings of a well-earned victory. And just like the Undertaker would not be seen for several months after being locked in that casket, Cummings would spend two and a half years in a County Durham farm bunker.

Admittedly whereas the Undertaker’s confinement would see him ascend to the heavens only to be rediscovered by Leslie Nielsen, Cummings would follow his stint in the bunker with editing the Spectator’s website.

w/ Kane vs Stone Cold Steve Austin at Breakdown 1998

The Undertaker and his younger brother Kane joining forces to jointly defeat Stone Cold Steve Austin for the WWF Title is reminiscent of Dominic Cummings and Michael Gove (in that order) successfully defeating the educational blob. In that they didn’t. Just like Vince McMahon played his games with the Brothers of Destruction and let The Rock come through the middle, David Cameron replaced the gruesome twosome with Nicky Morgan. Austin would regain the WWF Title, and the educational blob would live to obstruct another day.

Vs Big Bossman in Hell in a Cell at Wrestlemania XV

The match was as one-paced and plodding as David Cameron’s speech to the CBI that was disrupted by Business for Britain activists. That them creating a fake company to bypass security nearly landed the proto-Vote Leave with a fraud charge that would have stopped them being recognised as the official Leave campaign, makes the stunt as misguided as the Undertaker hanging his policeman adversary from the cage roof.

Promo with Big Show on Monday Night RAW on August 16th 1999

If you still don’t believe the Undertaker and Dominic Cummings are kindred spirits, then please tell me that this rambling promo about his new protege walking through the desert doesn’t remind you of Cummings’s blogs.

Vs Hulk Hogan at Judgment Day 2002

A previously undead zombie is reborn as the embodiment of the white working class as they battle the establishment. But enough about Dominic Cummings and his big red bus, let’s talk about the tobacco-chewing, motorbike-riding ginger Undertaker defeating Hulk Hogan twelve years after their first match together. Of course twelve years had also passed between Cummings’ two referendum triumphs, and he was just as inclined to celebrate beating an idea that had not been forthrightly expressed in Brtish politics since the late 90s, as the Undertaker was pleased to beat up an old man with fake knees.  

Vs Kane at Wrestlemania XX

When you think about it, Paul Bearer was the original superforecaster. Whereas others had their expensive super commuters or expensive command centres in 9 Downing Street, Bearer had his magical urn. And just like The Undertaker returned with Paul Bearer after a period in the wilderness, Cummings returned to power with Boris Johnson in the summer of 2019. And just like they surrounded themselves with faceless and voiceless worshippers…The Undertaker had his druids.

Pouring Cement On Paul Bearer at Great American Bash 2004

Dominic Cummings wishes he could bury Boris Johnson like The Undertaker did to his longstanding sidekick. Alas, Cummings keeps forgetting that its not the politicans who are the special advisor’s sidekicks but….